My life is much like a swing. Every day I go back and forth like I’m going from planet to planet. A planet called Spanish and another called English. At home, my life would solely consist of Spanish and at school, my day would consist of English. I never really noticed when English became my dominant language. I was always surrounded by English conversations at school most of the time, but when I would walk through Washington Heights, my neighborhood growing up, all I would hear was a mixture of English, Spanish, and Spanglish through Broadway. I grew up facing these back and forth motions constantly trying to keep my balance between the two.

     I was blessed to be grown in a Dominican household. I was exposed to almost everything Spanish had to offer. I was exposed to Dominican food, Bachata, and a culture unlike any other. My favorite part of being Dominican has to be the Dominican food. It’s like I would be sitting down at a Dominican Restaurant every night during dinner as my mom cheffed it up in the kitchen. I was one of the very few kids growing up who would prefer their mother’s cooking over Mcdonalds. On the very few and rare occasions that my mother didn’t cook, I would remember sitting down with my mom at a Dominican restaurant called La Nueva Espana. And while my mom was ordering I would get my hands on a menu and while I was waiting I would read the menu: Arroz con Pollo, Tostones con Salami, Sancocho, o Los Tres Golpes. I remember after every meal bugging my mom to get me a tres leches cake, a Dominican delicacy. La Nueva Espana is still my favorite restaurant to this day and although I could read the menu to my favorite restaurant Spanish wasn’t something I practice as much as I practiced English.

I would be in school day in and day out learning how to read and write, how to pronounce vowels and consonants, how to write and use proper grammar. Going back and forth is hard. “Back” to Spanish when I was at home and “forth” to English when I wasn’t. I was frustrated growing up, not being able to say some of the things I could say in English in Spanish and vice-versa. Imagine trying to say something to your mom but not knowing how to say it. Imagine a son trying to tell his mom he loves her but not being able to. It’s not that I didn’t know how to, I just wasn’t the most fluent Spanish speaker growing up. And on top of that my English could use some work as well.

     When speaking in Spanish, we Dominicans have a stereotype that we talk loud and fast. And although that doesn’t apply to a lot of Dominicans it does apply to me. I luckily inherited both, so when I would talk in Spanish I would talk loud and fast, similarly, it would be the same for English. I spoke with a combination of Zeus’ loud thunderous voice and The Flash’s speed. Articulating words and speaking fast is practically impossible. I would always end up tripping over own my words. On the days I had to go up and read to the class I would always get nervous and read at a 1000 wpm(words per minute). I would sound like the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes.

My classmates would all laugh when I would read. I’d be lying to you if I said it didn’t hurt, but still, I just kept raising my hand and participating in class because I knew this was just temporary. If you want to change something you work hard at it; it doesn’t just happen overnight. They would make jokes about me sounding like a broken record when I stuttered, “Do-Do-Do-Do you kn- kn- kn- know what time it is?” People think it’s easy being bilingual that we grew up learning the language so it’s only natural to be good at both, it’s not. Going back and forth being able to use multiple muscles found in our mouth, cheeks, and jaws to produce sounds like a rolled “r” isn’t something that’s easy. I still stutter sometimes in English and in Spanish when I get excited about things or when I’m trying to say something really fast or when I’m trying to beat someone to the punchline of a joke, to only become one. However, I don’t stutter as much and I’ve become more comfortable participating in class, reading out loud, and speaking with others in English throughout the years. I’ve also realized that it doesn’t matter what others think about you, whether they laugh at you, or they try to discourage you if you want to achieve something who’s stopping you from doing it. Work smarter, work harder and achieve the goals that you want to achieve. Even when I occasionally stutter at times I’m unphased when people laugh at me it’s just a reminder to work harder. So I do.

     My communication with my parents was very different from other families. For one my father didn’t live with me. My mother and I would talk daily, while me and my dad barely even speak to one another. My mom tried hard for me to have a relationship with my dad even if he didn’t live with us. She would have me talk with him on the phone and the only thing I remember him saying to me was “Te estas comportando bien” and “Cómo van tus estudios” which translates into “Are you behaving?” and “How are your studies?” I would always respond that everything was good, “Todo está bien.” My mom would also have me write Father Day letters for him every year. We’d always get him a polo shirt and a letter from Rite Aid that said “Happy Father’s Day” every year to thank him. I would write Feliz Día del Padre and I would sign the bottom Ricardo. I always thought it was funny how saying the same thing twice in the letter in two different languages made the card more meaningful. And I found it even funnier having to thank a “father” who wasn’t actually there while I was growing up. I’d be lying to you if I said that my father never helped me and my mom out, he definitely did, which would be one thing that I admired about my dad. As I got older I learned that some things in life aren’t as simple as you would think. I want to apologize to my mom for being such a troublemaker as a kid, and for blaming my bad behavior on the absence of my dad. Looking back, my mom had it the hardest and I was really inconsiderate of my mother’s feelings back then. Perdóname Mami.

    All my life I’ve been treating Spanish and English as two separate entities, like two separate planets. I’ve been looking at my life from the wrong perspective. Spanish and English are the reason I am who I am today. Spanish has shown me a world that I’m lucky to have known. Whether it was through those walks I would take through Washington Heights or a menu at La Nueva Espana, or whether it was through those letters I wrote my dad as a kid. Spanish has impacted my life immensely. Transitioning from between both languages every day was hard and I faced many adversities like not having the right words to express my feelings in Spanish, like not being able to do a public reading without stuttering,  or having to communicate with a father who wasn’t there and only spoke Spanish. My main focus now is to keep my balance on this never-ending swing, by not losing my Spanish piece by piece and not being consumed by English, my dominant language. Instead, I want to make my two worlds collide, so when you look at me you’ll see a hard working latino overcoming adversity.